A Favorite Subject...

So this blog was created initially to record my thoughts and inspirations. Basically a diary into my life that I would be comfortable sharing with others who stumble upon it. Me being the disorganized person that I am, I don't usually write an entry in it unless something absolutely amazing and spiritual happens to me. Tonight was the 3rd show of Sweeney Todd here on the USU Campus. My friends Alan and Elise drove all the way down from Rexburg today just to see me in the show and then drove all the way back. As I was contemplating on that single action, (at two o clock in the morning), I had a wonderful manifestation of the Holy Spirit of the Lord that was something like this: "They drove here to see you because they love you." It literally made me cry. I am so incredibly blessed to have friends who care that much that they would be willing to drive 2 1/2 hours to come see me for less than about 30 minutes total. The tender mercies of the Lord do exist and my whole entire life is a testimony to that. I don't know what I would do without the special people in my life like Alan, Elise, my family, and my other friends and extended family. They're what keep me going. Truly, "what greater gift [can God] bestow, what greater goodness can we know, than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways, strengthen our faith, enrich our days." For those of you who this message is about, thank you. More to come...

Reflections of Florida....

So the other night, one of mine and Wyn's friends, Justin, came over to our apartment to hang out and shoot the breeze a little bit. Somehow, we got to the topic of missions. Justin hasn't served a mission yet and wanted to pick the brains of two RM's. He asked a lot of questions that most premies ask "What was your craziest experience, what's the grossest thing you ever ate" and so on and so forth. But then he asked one that was a real tuffy: "What was the best part of being out on a mission that you don't get to enjoy at any other point in your life?" Wow. I literally took about 2 minutes to think of a good response. He being the awesome guy that he is, waited for my good response. Finally it came to me. "The best part about serving a mission," I said, "is the fact that you get to completely turn your life over to the Lord and allow him to literally speak and act through you in every single thing you do." After he left, I thought about it some more with each day that passed by. I have finally come to the conclusion that there is no reason why I shouldn't enjoy that type of relationship with Heavenly Father in my everyday life. I think that one common mistake that a lot of returned missionaries make (including myself) is that we automatically assume that post-mission life is never going to be as spiritual as mission life. Why shouldn't we enjoy that same companionship with the Savior? Why shouldn't we allow Him to act through us? Food for thought for sure...

My Princess....

I just took a quiz on Facebook. "Which Disney Prince are you?" it read. So of course, being the eternal romantic that I am jumped on it. My result? Prince Phillip. The dashing tall dark and handsome knight from Sleeping Beauty. Amused by this (and by the surprisingly erotic Prince Phillip photo that accompanied it), I started looking around at profiles. I have a lot of friends who are happily married and sometimes I feel like I am getting left behind. I yearn, no ACHE, for my very own princess to have and to hold and to be by my side as an eternal companion. Yet as much as I want that, I don't want to be married JUST for the sake of BEING married either. I want to be completely, absolutely, head over heels in love with my wife. So much that I would throw myself in front of a train rather than hurt her, betray her, or lie to her. As painful as it is to admit it, I'm pretty sure that in order to have that kind of a relationship, it's going to take a LOT of work in order to prepare myself for the requirements of such a marriage. It is amazing to me how many people don't realize that a marriage works both ways. Just as much as I long for a beautiful princess for myself, somewhere out there my future companion is equally longing for a handsome prince that will be there for her, support her, love her, confide in her, and share every single aspect of his life with her. TOTAL EQUALITY. The one thing that keeps me going is the future I can see for myself in such a marriage. This is my quest. Someday, somewhere I'm going to be the husband that my wife only thought she could dream about. *sigh* Someday....

Letting the Light In...

So I continue learning how to look how to let more light into my life. As I reflect on all that's happened this last year, I cannot believe how much of a turnaround I've made. I almost wish I could look through the glass of time and confront my former self and vanquish him. I once wrote a description of what my doppelganger would be like for an English class in high school. Here are some of the qualities that my "doppelganger" had:

self-centered, evil, impulsive, weak, atheist, a slave to addictions, AND most significant, ALONE.

I shudder to think of the lifestyle I could be living right now if it weren't for everyone who loves me, including the most important of these: My Savior Jesus Christ.

EVERYTHING IS ETERNAL, AND NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE IN CHRIST.

Sunday musings...

I am a very lucky guy with a good life and wonderful blessings. Unfortunately, I have this uncontrollable knack for always seeing the negative side of things and thinking about all that I cannot do rather than what is actually possible and exciting for me in my life ahead. I finally had the courage to ask myself, "Why?" And I was surprised to find that I could not give myself a good answer. At all. So the main purpose of this entry is to declare to myself (and to the world) that I refuse to remain a slave to my own inhibitions and fears. I am finally in control. If there's something that I want to do, I'm going to do it. No more will I hide behind the mask of insecurity. Now that said, little by little I will be trying my hardest to purge all of the unnecessary negativity out of my life. I do realize that there must be both yin and yang, so obviously I can't be happy one hundred percent of the time, but I am determined to noticeably change my attitude about a lot of things. Why the sudden change of heart? My voice teacher, the incredible Cindy Dewey, made a comment in my last lesson that really struck a chord with me. She noticed a lot of "heaviness" in my posture and my tone and I don't remember exactly what she said but it had to do with truly enjoying what I do, not trying to please my teacher just because she asks for something. "You're so afraid to make a mistake! Just let it happen!" Good advice indeed. Little did she know that her comments would bring about a spiritual change in me in addition to a change in my musicianship. More to come...

These are my friends....see how they glisten...

Well Sweeney Todd auditions are finally over. My brother Wyn is playing Judge Turpin and my new friend Anthony is playing Sweeney. That leaves me with the all important role of the chorus. Oddly enough, I think that this is the first time that I've been okay with that. I'm excited for my little brother to have some real experience on stage and I think that he definitely deserves the part. And this also relieves me of having to learn a big role...for now. Logan really is turning out to be a wonderful place. We are starting to grow in very big ways. My only downer right now is my generals classes, all of which I find extremely tedious and stupid. I would much rather learn about the anatomy of the voice than try to identify rocks in a tray in a lab with an assistant that basically told us there was no good way to identify anything for sure but we could make good guesses. Sigh. I suppose someone has to be interested in rocks and minerals. So that's it for now. Sweeney Todd starts October 24th and runs until October 31st in the Morgan Theatre on USU Campus. I highly recommend it! More to come...

HELLO LOGAN!!!!!

I have just experienced another major jolting change in my life:

After 3 years at BYU-Idaho and being used to always having my parents in the Salt Lake Valley, I have uprooted everything I ever knew and was comfortable with to start a new chapter in my life. The parents are all settled in Parker (for now), 20 minutes outside of Rexburg and I am living it up now in Logan at Utah State University with my brother and LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT. It's incredible how quickly I've gotten adjusted and I couldn't feel better about the way my life is headed right now. The professors here are AMAZING and the program is so exciting. Collegiate Singers will always have a special place in my heart but Chamber Singers is going to be just as great. Dr. Evans announced to all of us today in class that we are going to New York and New Haven, CT for a weekend in November on a mini-tour towards the end of this semester. As for the opera theatre, we are doing the incredible show Sweeney Todd and also preparing to do Gianni Schicchi and possibly another one act in the Spring. Auditions for that are this weekend, so we'll see how that goes. It's funny, now that I'm here in Logan, it really feels like home (even though I'm still trying to learn campus, after Rexburg this place is HUGE!). The only thing I need now to make my experience complete is a good job that will work with my crazy schedule! Ha. Anyways, life is grand. New places, new experiences. That's what life should be all about. I think the best part is that I'm slowly learning how to come out of my shell a little bit more. More to come...

It's Starting!!!

I picked up the full vocal score for "Sweeney Todd" today. ($100 later) It's basically my way of saying "It's time to start getting ready for school again." I'm so excited, I started reading through it as soon as I got home. I've had the urge to learn some new music since Friday when I saw all of my fabulous friends from BYU-Idaho perform in Gianni Schicchi and Dido & Aeneas. It was a great weekend. I had forgotten how much I love my Rexburg friends. I was overwhelmed by how many of them said how much they missed me and how much they valued our friendship. True friends really are a blessing and the fact that I have so many of them is amazing. My sister and I actually ended up staying longer than we intended because we didn't want the weekend to end! While that part of my life is over, I'm starting to get really really excited for the new experience at USU to begin. I really feel that I'm going to grow as a performer and as a musician in big ways. So for now, it looks like it's going to be a blast and I couldn't be happier with the way things are turning out. :D

Summer Rain and Family Ties...

Well I've decided it is time for another post. And never fear, this one is actually going to be very upbeat compared to my last few. It's really been a great summer so far here in West Jordan, though the weather has been rainy, it really has helped quite a bit to symbolize a renewal in my life. Being in the house with my whole family for the first time in years has really made a difference in all of our relationships. I have great friends who love me, and have been blessed with some really wonderful talents that I can't wait to use again when I get back to school this Fall. And I have also joined up with the Sterling Singers, a fantastic community choir here in the Salt Lake Valley conducted by the fabulous Kelly DeHaan. What a privilege! I've also been working on a novelization of the opera "The Magic Flute". Those of you who know me well will remember it's one of my favorite stories and I think it's one that should be told more often. The book is really coming along and I'd forgotten how much I enjoy writing. Life couldn't be sweeter and I'm really pleased with how everything is turning out so far. More to come...

MYSELF

So my awesome mother, who is a member of the Tabernacle Choir, gave this poem to all of us recently that they had as part of their weekly broadcast of Music and the Spoken Word and I think its message is something that all people should consider. I'll share it here:

"Myself"
I have to live with myself and so,
I want to be fit for myself to know;
I want to be able as days go by

Always to look myself straight in the
eye;
I don't want to stand with the setting
sun
And hate myself for the things I've
done.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will
know
The kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself up in sham.

I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect;
But here in the struggle for fame and
pelf,
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to think as I come and go
That I'm bluster and bluff and empty
show.

I never can hide myself from me,
I see what others may never see,
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself-and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

"

There's a lot to be said for just being your true self and not hiding behind masks. We all do it, and it would help society out a lot if we stopped. The people we really are are far more beautiful than the masks we wear.

More perspective....

As I've been home, I have been forced to look at every aspect of my life, every little detail no longer hidden, but put on full display for everyone in my family and myself to see. Some aspects I have liked more than others, but I think I'm finally beginning to understand what it is that makes me truly me. Everything is eternal. I catch myself every now and then thinking "if only I was back at school, I'd be okay again" but the truth is, until I learn how to live like a normal human being without addictions I won't be okay. I just hope I can remember that the next time I have the urge to do something stupid just for the temporary gratification. Thank goodness for a Heavenly Father that loves us enough to make us take responsibility for our mistakes. As hard as it makes my life right now, I cannot deny the existence of a God who knows who we all are and who loves us beyond our understanding. I almost wish I could sometimes, it would be so much easier to just give in. But I cannot turn my back on what I know to be true....