Blogs can be very therapeutic. In a way, it's almost like holding a mirror in front of your life so you can observe from a logical standpoint all the thoughts that are constantly swimming around in your head like fish in a bowl. At the present, there are many things in my life that are going very well. I'm back in full fellowship in the church, still not able to go to the temple or use my priesthood, but now I have a calling as a ward organist and am able to pay tithing, go home teaching and fully contribute as a member of the ward. I had a successful audition for grad school at Portland State University and have another one coming up at Florida State University. I sang a successful production of "Giulio Cesare" (my first time in a title role, exciting!) and I finally have a new computer, courtesy of my wonderful amazing daddy. Hey I do have a lot to be thankful for! However, I do wish to get out a few things that have been bothering me. Lately, I've felt that even though I am constantly in the spotlight as an example in the department to all my friends and peers, there doesn't seem to be anyone in my life right now that has stopped to ask the question: Max, what do you need? How can I help? How can I make you feel appreciated and needed?
Now, you're probably thinking: He's completely nuts. He's got scholarship money, gets all the lead roles, and has lots of friends and is getting a good education. It's not something that I can fully explain. But all I can say is, it's hard being Max Moreno. It's difficult going around and fixing everyone else's problems. This is so strange, but lately I get the feeling that although I am recognized for what I can do musically, that I don't feel recognized as a person. Just because I am able to give out sarcastic remarks and witty observations, does not mean I am totally devoid of feeling. The truth is, when I'm with my friends, a lot of times I feel like I just fade into the background. And what's scary is I'm not sure what to do about it. There's a certain friend in particular that I wish I could say this to, but I don't want to give him another thing to worry about. And I'm not even that worried about it myself, it just kind of bothers me, sort of like the wart on my right thumb. It's not something that's pleasant, but it doesn't inhibit me from doing my daily duties either. It would just be nice to have someone tell me that my opinion matters, that even though I am older than the general populace at Utah State, I know a lot about life. I just need someone to reaffirm this to me. And that's what I hate most of all, because I don't like it when people ask me to do the same thing for them. This post is too long and I don't know how else to phrase this. More to come...
