Dear friends and family who follow this blog: I have a wonderful experience to share and I've already shared it with many of you on Facebook. I don't why this experience happened to me at this stage in my life, but I am so grateful and feel so blessed that it did. Maybe Heavenly Father was so tired of seeing me so miserable more often than I was happy that he decided to intervene. Whatever the reason, my life has been changed. Ever since my falling away from the church when I had to leave BYU-Idaho, and even before then, I have struggled with feelings of self-loathing. Though I looked and acted confident on the outside, I really hated myself. I didn't see myself as being worth anyone's immediate attention, let alone worthy enough to deserve a beautiful eternal companion. My falling away from the truth only confirmed this. After I discovered that I was even more miserable trying to live outside of the gospel, I returned and went through the necessary steps of repentance. Though I eventually came back into fellowship with my ward and began serving in the church again, I still struggled with these feelings of not trusting myself and not believing 100% that Heavenly Father really loved me. After spending a hard first semester in Portland and returning home for a wonderful Christmas with my beloved family, it was time to return again to Portland where again I had no prospects for work or the means to support myself. I had less than 200 dollars to my name and I owed my roommate about 1,200 dollars in back rent and utility payments. Then on the Tuesday I got back from school I found out that my car was going to cost another 750 dollars to fix the rear brake pads and rotors. This forced me to open up another line of credit because I could not pay for the repairs any other way. Destitute, I was on the point of calling my mom and dad and informing them that I wanted to move home, quit school and find a job in the Boise area that was more permanent and steady than my crazy music career had ever been. For some reason, I fell on my knees instead. My prayer habits had been in great disrepair as of late, since I figured that Heavenly Father didn't really care all that much for me anyway, but this time I poured out my heart and soul. I cried uncontrollably while I was praying and was grateful later that my roommate Ryan was out of the apartment because I was being VERY vocal and VERY loud. I remember I kept on pleading and pleading with Heavenly Father to do SOMETHING to make it all okay, I didn't know what, but please do SOMETHING for me. When I got up, I had the very distinct impression that I needed to pay my roommate Ryan all the money that I owed him. Right then. In full. This scared me because as I said before, I only had about 200 dollars in my account and at that time I owed him about 1200 in total. Again, I had the impression, "You need to pay Ryan." So I smiled through my wet eyes and snotty nose and got out my checkbook. As I wrote those checks, I had a wonderful feeling come into my heart that if I try to put into words went something like this: "I love you so much. Do you have any idea how much I've missed you? I will always take care of you, all you have to do is come to me. You deserve a good life, enjoy life, don't be afraid of it." Since that day, a mighty change has come over me. The petty temptations that I have struggled with for so so long in my life are becoming less and less difficult to deal with. I finally have hope for the first time in a long time that someday I will marry a wonderful woman and be sealed in the temple, and most importantly, that someday I will be a father. I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I have overcome a very big obstacle in my life. Where there was darkness, my life is starting to let in a glorious light. I now have been praying twice a day at least, without fail, sometimes more if I need to ask for a certain blessing. But I have a strong testimony now that Heavenly Father really does KNOW US INDIVIDUALLY and that HE LOVES US SO MUCH! To end I write the verses of one of my favorite primary songs and testify to all those reading these words that this song is one of the most basic truths that is so important for us to understand. We are never alone, we just need to come to Him, He is waiting, with His arms stretched wide.
I am a child of God and He has sent me here,
has given me an earthly home, with parents kind and dear.
I am a child of God and so, my needs are great.
Help me to understand His words, before it grows too late.
I am a child of God. Rich blessings are in store.
If I but learn to do His will, I'll live with Him once more.
(and this is my favorite verse, though it is not often sung:)
I am a child of God. His promises are sure.
Celestial glory shall be mine, if I can but endure.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do to live with Him someday.
Don't give up. You are loved. :) More to come...
1 comment:
A lot of people get caught in those negative feelings after they've made a misstep. It's too easy to think that, because we've done wrong, we've negated all the good that can come in our lives. But that's just fear talking. As you've seen, we can change, and a loving, listening ear is never far away.
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